eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
The other day, I went over my brother's girlfriend's house to hang out with him, the first time we've actually spent more than two minutes together in the past 20 years...only because I couldn't find them.

It went so well. I had a photo album, a full piggy bank, and a manila envelope. All the grandkids (there are 7 in total) got the first two. Billy and Tony (my brothers) were the only ones to get the last one. Therefore, I didn't know what was in it.

Billy slowly opened the yellowed tan envelope and peered inside. He removed the contents, an Exxon patch from my grandfather's old uniform tumbling out along with all the birthday and Christmas cards they were never given as a child, but my grandmother kept for this very reason. There were a few pictures that she just forgot/didn't put in the book.

Then there were unopened birthday cards. The cards spanned from when he was about 13 to when he was 20. Opening each slowly, a dollar tumbled out of each, and he read the inscription held within the cover. They were updates on the year prior that she was going to give him "just in case she saw him". She didn't when she was writing those cards.


She will next Saturday though. She thinks I'm coming on my lonesome. However, I'm bringing both brothers with me. I plan to tape it. I plan to keep it for years. I plan to spend more time with them. Plan to get to know and spoil my nephew (1 from my brother Tony). Just...it makes me so happy. I mean, I'm still wickedly depressed, but this is so good.
eraisme: (abfab eddie save lives)
Look! I did it! I was semi-productive. I installed my GIF Roslin Theme!

Oh how I've missed you, Madam President.

Also, totally had a breakdown at work, like I thought I would. However, it wasn't over what I thought it would be. My brothers' mother (not mine, we share the same father) called me during business hours. Like...what?! First of all, no one in the fam wants anything to do with you because you ruined your sons' lives. Like...totally fucked. One has deep seeded anger issues stemming from her not telling the other brother that the man who she had been dating was not his father. Guys, it's so seriously fucked up. She just said some wild, random shit and ended it with "don't tell them I talked to you". Which I found really fucking weird.

So, I texted my brother (because fuck that bitch) and I laid everything out. There was never a time where he nor my other brother weren't wanted. Whether it be myself or my grandfather (my father dying before I was born that started this whole mess). They were always wanted. There's just...stuff that their mother told them or led them to believe that is such horseshit. Like...they're so fucked up emotionally because of all this. All the lies their mother laid out.

So, my brother (the younger of my two older brothers) and I are going to meet up at his house tomorrow to go through pictures and stuff. We're going to talk things out. It feels really nice to have a brother again. It's been about 25 years since I was with them on some sort of brother/sister level and we're going to try to get back to where we once were.

It's a really weird feeling. A good feeling, but still weird.

It's something I needed right now, put it that way.

Alone

Jul. 9th, 2017 01:06 am
eraisme: (scs susan long day)
I just...I've been in bed crying for no real reason. The depression has gotten worse...which really isn't any surprise of a bipolar.

There are thoughts. I'm too scared to actually act on them, but they're there.

I love to be alone, but I don't like the feeling of being lonely. That probably sounds crazy, but they're two different things. I don't like to be around other people sometimes. I don't like big crowds, or small crowds even.

I don't want to go to my job. A job that, any other time, I'm in love with. It isn't that I don't want to see the other people, that I think of like family, I just...can't right now.

I just can't right now.

I've taken off the last 2 days, tomorrow being Sunday which means time and a half, and I'm really afraid I'm going to have a melt down. I'm really afraid I'm going to freak out on someone or just in general. All because I can't control myself right now. I can't control my emotions or my temperament or anything. I can't control it. I can't control the thoughts or the feelings.

I feel like I'm losing myself.

Usually when I'm feeling mentally/emotionally like shit, I can write my ass off...and nothing. It's been a numbing spell. A numbing spell of just existing, which sucks because it's so fucking pointless.

I don't know what to do.

I'm hoping that by writing this down, it will help me feel better about it. Help me feel...something. Anything. Make the thoughts calm themselves. Something.

Something.


Side Note: I really need my Roslin moods over here.

My desk

Jul. 5th, 2017 02:12 pm
eraisme: Jennifer Saunders with glasses and short blonde hair (jenny glasses fez)
I was so excited when I got my desk. It was beautiful glass, metal, and wood construction. Pull out, long keyboard tray under a glass top. It was perfect and beautiful.

However.

It has been nothing but trouble. The keyboard part has metal sliders on either side which connect to the top via more metal. The sliders do not function properly and the keyboard tray CONSTANTLY breaks and falls. I'm worried it's going to fall on one of the girls, which it has done already, and cause serious injury. Essentially, this is a faulty product. I've contacted the company on multiple occasions and they've been nothing but gracious. Thankfully. However, how many times do I have to contact you guys (and I know I couldn't possibly be the only one) before this is recalled. It has the same issue EVERY time.

*sigh* I just don't know what to do anymore.
eraisme: Sharon Raydor carrying a purse (mc sharon stride)
I've been playing a lot of Watch Dogs 2 lately. It's a beautiful game, socially aware, and incredibly smart with everything it does. Essentially, it's what one wishes Anonymous was really doing. Exposing things that people suspect, and wanting the people to know.

It's what I wish this country was right now.

Now for something completely different.

I've been a bit depressed as of late. Trying my hand at the Tindr game again. I'm good at messaging/texting people, but my social anxiety kicks into high gear when I actually have to go out to meet them. Like...super high gear.

I had a guy who really loved me, we went out once, but texted a lot. Even when I tried to scare him off, he still wanted this. He was younger than me, and while that isn't really an issue, he was virtually unwilling to explore other cultures' food other than his own. He was SO HANDSOME THOUGH AND OHMYGODIAMKICKINGMYSELFSOMETIMES. Srsly though.

If I could secretly post a picture of him...I really fucking would, but I'm not an asshole like that, so I won't.

So, I'm back at the game again. Hopefully the game doesn't play me.



Also, I need to figure out how to put my moods onto here.

sighhhhhhh

Jun. 11th, 2017 10:29 pm
eraisme: (mc sharon putting up with this)
I have such a desire to write. I want to write so many things about so many things. The problem is that the things I've been writing, are not something I'd want to post. Like, I don't deem them to be NEARLY decent to post.

It's just me writing to get it out of my system.

I don't know. It's just odd. It's a very odd feeling.

Work has been hectic. Mentally...I've been better. Same shit different day.

I need to get out, but then I don't want to go out. It's a very odd feeling. I want to socialize, but then my anxiety kicks in and I get really awful at talking to people on a casual level. I should probably see someone about it, but it's in my usual INFJ way. Which...isn't necessarily a good thing, but it is what it is.

I need help.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
*sigh*

So...in case you though this can't possibly just continue on the depression train. It will.

I'm not sure if it's attributed to stress or what. I'm not sure at all. Probably. It probably is. For instance, I never had a period this month. How am I supposed to track this thing if I'm not even having it. There's no chance of pregnancy. That's...the thing I want most and the thing that's least likely to happen, but it's been over a month.

Then work just ramps up even more. My performance there is awful and I'm...just not there. THERE. There. Know what I mean? I'm tired ALL of the time. I'm even tired now, but if I went to sleep, then who would write this depressing entry? Like, I can't even write with it. Too depressed to write and when I take pills, too emotionless to write as well. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Know what I mean?

I can't have normal relationships anymore. Not with men. Not with friends. I feel lonely, but I want to be alone. I feel empty, but I'm comfortable with it. I'm going to venture further into the rabbit hole.

Also, I need to work on trying to get my mood icons transferred over. I'll probably have to do it again. Also, my regular icons. I have to do this bitch up if I'm just going to be depressed and at home and in bed all the time.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
I feel like no matter how much I try to get ahead, I'm always pushed back. Especially when it comes to money. I try to conserve it as best I can. I pay my bills on time, I don't like loose ends.

However, when something unexpected comes out, it throws me into a tail spin. I have little money to begin with. When Amazon charges me an unexpected $99...you can see where I'm going with this. Now, I'm attempting to find shit around my apartment to return to Costco to get some money back. My account is overdrawn. I even had to ask my mother for something to feed the girls. It's such an awful feeling.

It isn't making the depression any better. It just feels 10x worse.

I feel like a failure.

Depression.

Mar. 5th, 2017 01:17 am
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
I've noticed myself falling deeper and deeper into depression.

Shocking, right?

Like, I know I have depression. It's something I've battled with for years. However, I feel like it's been worse this month or so than ever. I think I'm going to try meditation with going back on my medicine for a little bit.

I hate doing that though. I hate it so much.

Not the meditation thing. That I actually love. It helps quite a bit. It's the medication thing. It completely zaps every fiber of my creative being. All of it. I'll start to have an idea for a story, or for a section of the stories I'm constantly writing, but nothing is there. Literally nothing.

I've never written or created anything good/worthwhile/in general while on my medication. I literally just sit there and feel nothing. The absence of feeling is far worse than feeling "sad" or "angry". I can't pull anything from nothing.

New layout

Jan. 30th, 2017 09:35 pm
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
So, I installed a new layout. Made beautifully by [personal profile] chimney . I love it so far. They make beautiful layouts. I may attempt to find other, but make sure to check them out.

Excited

Jan. 23rd, 2017 03:55 am
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
I really can't wait to have my journal the way I like it. Much like my LJ. This is insane and it hurts my eyes. Does anyone suggest a great DW layout community?
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
So, this is my first Dream Width entry. All the others are imports from Livejournal. It's a different time and a different place.

I've not been in a very safe place mentally as of late. Things have gone upside down and I'm just trying to hold it together day after day. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I need an honest vacation. I need to be able to relax and sleep. Like...truly sleep. I can't. I can't do that.

I need to stay strong. I need to stay aware.

I'm going to try to keep this as public as I can. Hopefully I won't have to go private or Friends Only.

Fallout 4?

Dec. 3rd, 2015 02:39 pm
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (dw four most unusual pretty)
Is there life after starting Fallout 4?

What is life?

What is anything anymore?

1) Shash and I have been sluggish in doing the remaining episodes of Minor Incidents. We both want to get back to it so very much. However, shit keeps coming up. We were going to try for this week, but I now have a bloody cold. SRSLY?!

2) Doctor says I have extensive nerve damage and my arthritis is what ails me. Makes sense. Nothing I wasn't expecting. I'm just too young for it, TBH.

3) I spent 2 hours copying GIFs to a flash drive so I can have them for my Chromebook. I really think it was a good usage of my time and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

4) I was matched up with my Prevent group and got my scale and stuff. In my group is someone in my department that I'm friends with. I'm totally thrilled. I wish it was another person in my department, but at least it's this one.

5) Christmas is only a few weeks away and I have only one more payday until it gets here. The girls are pretty much done, but I just have my friends left to tend to. I have no idea what to get them either.


I feel like I'm running out of time.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (mc raydor facepalm)
Made 25 icons for episode 2.05 - D.O.A. because that episode was super pretty.

You can find them here at my media journal, [livejournal.com profile] the_nerd_voice.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (abfab eddie pool)
I'm so damn happy.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (fangirl mary thumbs up)
[livejournal.com profile] majorcrimes_mix - Fanmixes made with The Closer and Major Crimes in mind.

[livejournal.com profile] rizzoliislesmix - Fanmixes made with Rizzoli and Isles in mind.

Honestly, TNT should pay me for this shit and promoting the best shows they have. Would love if everyone promoted on their journal and actually joined if you're a fan. Pretty things from fans all around is never a bad thing.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (bsg roslin breathe)
I DID! If you love Sharon Raydor as much as I do, have I got a deal for you!

For FREE, you can go over to my creativity journal, [livejournal.com profile] the_nerd_voice, and download my Sharon Raydor Fanmix! Can you believe it? It may just be the deal of a lifetime, kids!

So, go get yours today!


Please comment if you're taking. I like to see who wants to enjoy the shit I make.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (bsg roslin teacher of the year)
So the other day, I got a ReTweet by the organization Drop 4 Drop. This is a big fucking deal to me for many reasons. I mention the group about three times a day because it is so amazing. I love it so much, I will tell you about it.

So many countries around the world do not have clean water. The same water that is used to go to the bathroom in, is the same used to wash, and it is the same that they drink. This causes people to get very sick, and most to be born with birth defects if not die. It takes £1 (or $1.50) to give one person clean water for life. That's all. We pay more than that for just a single bottle of water for ourselves.

People in the US don't know enough about the organization and they should. Especially since tax season is coming up. Tax season, for most Americans, means refund season as well. So, I ask of you, with the little bit you get back, why not donate some of your refund check as well? Especially to something like this. Every little bit counts.

Also, why the fuck aren't you following me on Twitter? @THE_Redux (Twitter name provided by the one and only Alice Ripley.)

CREATIVE

Feb. 2nd, 2011 09:22 pm
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
I feel like making some fanmixes. GOT MY WEEKEND PROJECT. Give me some suggestions based on my likes (on my profile page) and give me some ideas of what to do. You all benefit from it, remember.

I even made this public so that I can get more responses.

It can be ANY of my fandoms. PAST OR PRESENT. So, have at it. *<3*

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eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
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