Alone

Jul. 9th, 2017 01:06 am
eraisme: (scs susan long day)
[personal profile] eraisme
I just...I've been in bed crying for no real reason. The depression has gotten worse...which really isn't any surprise of a bipolar.

There are thoughts. I'm too scared to actually act on them, but they're there.

I love to be alone, but I don't like the feeling of being lonely. That probably sounds crazy, but they're two different things. I don't like to be around other people sometimes. I don't like big crowds, or small crowds even.

I don't want to go to my job. A job that, any other time, I'm in love with. It isn't that I don't want to see the other people, that I think of like family, I just...can't right now.

I just can't right now.

I've taken off the last 2 days, tomorrow being Sunday which means time and a half, and I'm really afraid I'm going to have a melt down. I'm really afraid I'm going to freak out on someone or just in general. All because I can't control myself right now. I can't control my emotions or my temperament or anything. I can't control it. I can't control the thoughts or the feelings.

I feel like I'm losing myself.

Usually when I'm feeling mentally/emotionally like shit, I can write my ass off...and nothing. It's been a numbing spell. A numbing spell of just existing, which sucks because it's so fucking pointless.

I don't know what to do.

I'm hoping that by writing this down, it will help me feel better about it. Help me feel...something. Anything. Make the thoughts calm themselves. Something.

Something.


Side Note: I really need my Roslin moods over here.
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eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
eraisme

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