Alone

Jul. 9th, 2017 01:06 am
eraisme: (scs susan long day)
I just...I've been in bed crying for no real reason. The depression has gotten worse...which really isn't any surprise of a bipolar.

There are thoughts. I'm too scared to actually act on them, but they're there.

I love to be alone, but I don't like the feeling of being lonely. That probably sounds crazy, but they're two different things. I don't like to be around other people sometimes. I don't like big crowds, or small crowds even.

I don't want to go to my job. A job that, any other time, I'm in love with. It isn't that I don't want to see the other people, that I think of like family, I just...can't right now.

I just can't right now.

I've taken off the last 2 days, tomorrow being Sunday which means time and a half, and I'm really afraid I'm going to have a melt down. I'm really afraid I'm going to freak out on someone or just in general. All because I can't control myself right now. I can't control my emotions or my temperament or anything. I can't control it. I can't control the thoughts or the feelings.

I feel like I'm losing myself.

Usually when I'm feeling mentally/emotionally like shit, I can write my ass off...and nothing. It's been a numbing spell. A numbing spell of just existing, which sucks because it's so fucking pointless.

I don't know what to do.

I'm hoping that by writing this down, it will help me feel better about it. Help me feel...something. Anything. Make the thoughts calm themselves. Something.

Something.


Side Note: I really need my Roslin moods over here.
eraisme: Sharon Raydor carrying a purse (mc sharon stride)
I've been playing a lot of Watch Dogs 2 lately. It's a beautiful game, socially aware, and incredibly smart with everything it does. Essentially, it's what one wishes Anonymous was really doing. Exposing things that people suspect, and wanting the people to know.

It's what I wish this country was right now.

Now for something completely different.

I've been a bit depressed as of late. Trying my hand at the Tindr game again. I'm good at messaging/texting people, but my social anxiety kicks into high gear when I actually have to go out to meet them. Like...super high gear.

I had a guy who really loved me, we went out once, but texted a lot. Even when I tried to scare him off, he still wanted this. He was younger than me, and while that isn't really an issue, he was virtually unwilling to explore other cultures' food other than his own. He was SO HANDSOME THOUGH AND OHMYGODIAMKICKINGMYSELFSOMETIMES. Srsly though.

If I could secretly post a picture of him...I really fucking would, but I'm not an asshole like that, so I won't.

So, I'm back at the game again. Hopefully the game doesn't play me.



Also, I need to figure out how to put my moods onto here.

sighhhhhhh

Jun. 11th, 2017 10:29 pm
eraisme: (mc sharon putting up with this)
I have such a desire to write. I want to write so many things about so many things. The problem is that the things I've been writing, are not something I'd want to post. Like, I don't deem them to be NEARLY decent to post.

It's just me writing to get it out of my system.

I don't know. It's just odd. It's a very odd feeling.

Work has been hectic. Mentally...I've been better. Same shit different day.

I need to get out, but then I don't want to go out. It's a very odd feeling. I want to socialize, but then my anxiety kicks in and I get really awful at talking to people on a casual level. I should probably see someone about it, but it's in my usual INFJ way. Which...isn't necessarily a good thing, but it is what it is.

I need help.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
*sigh*

So...in case you though this can't possibly just continue on the depression train. It will.

I'm not sure if it's attributed to stress or what. I'm not sure at all. Probably. It probably is. For instance, I never had a period this month. How am I supposed to track this thing if I'm not even having it. There's no chance of pregnancy. That's...the thing I want most and the thing that's least likely to happen, but it's been over a month.

Then work just ramps up even more. My performance there is awful and I'm...just not there. THERE. There. Know what I mean? I'm tired ALL of the time. I'm even tired now, but if I went to sleep, then who would write this depressing entry? Like, I can't even write with it. Too depressed to write and when I take pills, too emotionless to write as well. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Know what I mean?

I can't have normal relationships anymore. Not with men. Not with friends. I feel lonely, but I want to be alone. I feel empty, but I'm comfortable with it. I'm going to venture further into the rabbit hole.

Also, I need to work on trying to get my mood icons transferred over. I'll probably have to do it again. Also, my regular icons. I have to do this bitch up if I'm just going to be depressed and at home and in bed all the time.

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eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
eraisme

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