eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
The other day, I went over my brother's girlfriend's house to hang out with him, the first time we've actually spent more than two minutes together in the past 20 years...only because I couldn't find them.

It went so well. I had a photo album, a full piggy bank, and a manila envelope. All the grandkids (there are 7 in total) got the first two. Billy and Tony (my brothers) were the only ones to get the last one. Therefore, I didn't know what was in it.

Billy slowly opened the yellowed tan envelope and peered inside. He removed the contents, an Exxon patch from my grandfather's old uniform tumbling out along with all the birthday and Christmas cards they were never given as a child, but my grandmother kept for this very reason. There were a few pictures that she just forgot/didn't put in the book.

Then there were unopened birthday cards. The cards spanned from when he was about 13 to when he was 20. Opening each slowly, a dollar tumbled out of each, and he read the inscription held within the cover. They were updates on the year prior that she was going to give him "just in case she saw him". She didn't when she was writing those cards.


She will next Saturday though. She thinks I'm coming on my lonesome. However, I'm bringing both brothers with me. I plan to tape it. I plan to keep it for years. I plan to spend more time with them. Plan to get to know and spoil my nephew (1 from my brother Tony). Just...it makes me so happy. I mean, I'm still wickedly depressed, but this is so good.
eraisme: (abfab eddie save lives)
Look! I did it! I was semi-productive. I installed my GIF Roslin Theme!

Oh how I've missed you, Madam President.

Also, totally had a breakdown at work, like I thought I would. However, it wasn't over what I thought it would be. My brothers' mother (not mine, we share the same father) called me during business hours. Like...what?! First of all, no one in the fam wants anything to do with you because you ruined your sons' lives. Like...totally fucked. One has deep seeded anger issues stemming from her not telling the other brother that the man who she had been dating was not his father. Guys, it's so seriously fucked up. She just said some wild, random shit and ended it with "don't tell them I talked to you". Which I found really fucking weird.

So, I texted my brother (because fuck that bitch) and I laid everything out. There was never a time where he nor my other brother weren't wanted. Whether it be myself or my grandfather (my father dying before I was born that started this whole mess). They were always wanted. There's just...stuff that their mother told them or led them to believe that is such horseshit. Like...they're so fucked up emotionally because of all this. All the lies their mother laid out.

So, my brother (the younger of my two older brothers) and I are going to meet up at his house tomorrow to go through pictures and stuff. We're going to talk things out. It feels really nice to have a brother again. It's been about 25 years since I was with them on some sort of brother/sister level and we're going to try to get back to where we once were.

It's a really weird feeling. A good feeling, but still weird.

It's something I needed right now, put it that way.
eraisme: Sharon Raydor carrying a purse (mc sharon stride)
I've been playing a lot of Watch Dogs 2 lately. It's a beautiful game, socially aware, and incredibly smart with everything it does. Essentially, it's what one wishes Anonymous was really doing. Exposing things that people suspect, and wanting the people to know.

It's what I wish this country was right now.

Now for something completely different.

I've been a bit depressed as of late. Trying my hand at the Tindr game again. I'm good at messaging/texting people, but my social anxiety kicks into high gear when I actually have to go out to meet them. Like...super high gear.

I had a guy who really loved me, we went out once, but texted a lot. Even when I tried to scare him off, he still wanted this. He was younger than me, and while that isn't really an issue, he was virtually unwilling to explore other cultures' food other than his own. He was SO HANDSOME THOUGH AND OHMYGODIAMKICKINGMYSELFSOMETIMES. Srsly though.

If I could secretly post a picture of him...I really fucking would, but I'm not an asshole like that, so I won't.

So, I'm back at the game again. Hopefully the game doesn't play me.



Also, I need to figure out how to put my moods onto here.

sighhhhhhh

Jun. 11th, 2017 10:29 pm
eraisme: (mc sharon putting up with this)
I have such a desire to write. I want to write so many things about so many things. The problem is that the things I've been writing, are not something I'd want to post. Like, I don't deem them to be NEARLY decent to post.

It's just me writing to get it out of my system.

I don't know. It's just odd. It's a very odd feeling.

Work has been hectic. Mentally...I've been better. Same shit different day.

I need to get out, but then I don't want to go out. It's a very odd feeling. I want to socialize, but then my anxiety kicks in and I get really awful at talking to people on a casual level. I should probably see someone about it, but it's in my usual INFJ way. Which...isn't necessarily a good thing, but it is what it is.

I need help.
eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
So, this is my first Dream Width entry. All the others are imports from Livejournal. It's a different time and a different place.

I've not been in a very safe place mentally as of late. Things have gone upside down and I'm just trying to hold it together day after day. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I need an honest vacation. I need to be able to relax and sleep. Like...truly sleep. I can't. I can't do that.

I need to stay strong. I need to stay aware.

I'm going to try to keep this as public as I can. Hopefully I won't have to go private or Friends Only.

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eraisme: Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica looking at a bottle of pills (Default)
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