I Practice Bad Girl Politics

Just over a year ago, I hurt my back. I tore my L5 and S1. It hasn't healed properly. My doctor knows this. It also caused severe nerve damage.

Some days are great. I'm able to bounce around, I'm able to have a good time. I'm able to laugh without pain. I'm able to do my job efficiently.

Some days are not. I'm hardly able to move without pain. I do exorcises that my physiotherapist taught me in an attempt to lessen the pain caused. I have flare ups. They happen all the time. I can't get around it and it makes me feel terrible and I can't ever tell when they're going to happen. Sometimes I'll get a "tingle", but sometimes I don't. I can't explain that. The trauma of it all affecting the physical element of it.

I'm in physical pain. I'm in emotional/mental pain. I can't make either stop.

My roommate has also started drinking again. She hasn't been working since like...January or February. Something like that. Her mother has been giving her money for bills and things of that nature. I fear paying the bills being on time. I fear being evicted from this fucking apartment because she doesn't know how to clean up her messes. Her mother is always there to pick up and clean up her messes. She's never going to learn until she hits rock bottom.

I understand, as a parent, that you want the best for your child. You want to protect them from the world. However, what does one do with the help is the thing hurting them? Double edged sword.

I try to help where I can, but why continue "helping" if my friend doesn't care to help herself?

The stress and anxiety, on top of my own issues, is smothering me. I can't wait to just be by myself in an apartment.

Jesus, it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I bought a paid account and have just...left it. LOL. I'm mostly an idiot when it comes to that. So...lots has been going on.

In January, I hurt my back at work. I work in the Membership/Refunds area of Costco. I was doing refunds. Now, they're supposed to send Supervisors down to refunds to clear out the items that have been returned. Well, they kept saying they were getting to it, but never did. Finally, I tripped over a box, as it had become overcrowded with boxes and larger items. I slammed against the counter top. Injuring my spine, ripped L5 disc...if that means anything, but didn't know it yet. I kept going back to work, thinking it was just sore from the fall. Until I woke one morning (nearly a month later) and I, literally, couldn't move without screaming. I've been out of work since. Going to physical therapy and doctor's appointments. Today I had injections. Which...they forgot to sedate me for. They weren't terribly bad though. Just, literally, a pinch and it was all over.

AND

I've been watching my friend's dog for a few days because her mother is dying on the other side of the country, same with her son and fiance. I thought I accidentally thought I lost the key to her house at a party I went to. So, the next day, I went to her house, realizing the key wasn't in my purse. I had to break into her house...very James Bond-y. Luckily, no one was observant enough to call the cops. However, getting into the house, I broke her window sill, have bad bruises on my legs and chest, BUT the dog was fed and cared for. So...I figure it's a plus. I did end up finding the key though. So, it's all good.

All in all, I'm an actual fucking mess...and I'm just slowly trying to own up to it.

Look! I did it! I was semi-productive. I installed my GIF Roslin Theme!

Oh how I've missed you, Madam President.

Also, totally had a breakdown at work, like I thought I would. However, it wasn't over what I thought it would be. My brothers' mother (not mine, we share the same father) called me during business hours. Like...what?! First of all, no one in the fam wants anything to do with you because you ruined your sons' lives. Like...totally fucked. One has deep seeded anger issues stemming from her not telling the other brother that the man who she had been dating was not his father. Guys, it's so seriously fucked up. She just said some wild, random shit and ended it with "don't tell them I talked to you". Which I found really fucking weird.

So, I texted my brother (because fuck that bitch) and I laid everything out. There was never a time where he nor my other brother weren't wanted. Whether it be myself or my grandfather (my father dying before I was born that started this whole mess). They were always wanted. There's just...stuff that their mother told them or led them to believe that is such horseshit. Like...they're so fucked up emotionally because of all this. All the lies their mother laid out.

So, my brother (the younger of my two older brothers) and I are going to meet up at his house tomorrow to go through pictures and stuff. We're going to talk things out. It feels really nice to have a brother again. It's been about 25 years since I was with them on some sort of brother/sister level and we're going to try to get back to where we once were.

It's a really weird feeling. A good feeling, but still weird.

It's something I needed right now, put it that way.

I have such a desire to write. I want to write so many things about so many things. The problem is that the things I've been writing, are not something I'd want to post. Like, I don't deem them to be NEARLY decent to post.

It's just me writing to get it out of my system.

I don't know. It's just odd. It's a very odd feeling.

Work has been hectic. Mentally...I've been better. Same shit different day.

I need to get out, but then I don't want to go out. It's a very odd feeling. I want to socialize, but then my anxiety kicks in and I get really awful at talking to people on a casual level. I should probably see someone about it, but it's in my usual INFJ way. Which...isn't necessarily a good thing, but it is what it is.

I need help.