eraisme: Laura Roslin in jail with her hands on her ears (bsg roslin hear no evil)
I want nothing more than to go back to my regular job that I was ridiculously good at and just carry on, business as usual.

My brain, however, makes me afraid to even leave my house without being accompanied by my own teenage kid (not that I think anything will happen to her, she can go about her own business). Like, even my mother isn’t good enough for my brain anymore. Apparently my kid will fend off predators or something, according to my brain. I don’t know why I feel the way I do, but it just exists.

I haven’t been able to work for a month. This isn’t the first time I’ve “lost it”, and I’m certain it won’t be the last because it’s a stupid disability, but...I just want things to go back to how they were.

Heh.

Easier said than done.
eraisme: Stockard Channing looking pissed off (scs susan long day)
Just over a year ago, I hurt my back. I tore my L5 and S1. It hasn't healed properly. My doctor knows this. It also caused severe nerve damage.

Some days are great. I'm able to bounce around, I'm able to have a good time. I'm able to laugh without pain. I'm able to do my job efficiently.

Some days are not. I'm hardly able to move without pain. I do exorcises that my physiotherapist taught me in an attempt to lessen the pain caused. I have flare ups. They happen all the time. I can't get around it and it makes me feel terrible and I can't ever tell when they're going to happen. Sometimes I'll get a "tingle", but sometimes I don't. I can't explain that. The trauma of it all affecting the physical element of it.

I'm in physical pain. I'm in emotional/mental pain. I can't make either stop.

My roommate has also started drinking again. She hasn't been working since like...January or February. Something like that. Her mother has been giving her money for bills and things of that nature. I fear paying the bills being on time. I fear being evicted from this fucking apartment because she doesn't know how to clean up her messes. Her mother is always there to pick up and clean up her messes. She's never going to learn until she hits rock bottom.

I understand, as a parent, that you want the best for your child. You want to protect them from the world. However, what does one do with the help is the thing hurting them? Double edged sword.

I try to help where I can, but why continue "helping" if my friend doesn't care to help herself?

The stress and anxiety, on top of my own issues, is smothering me. I can't wait to just be by myself in an apartment.

present

Jan. 25th, 2019 08:58 pm
eraisme: Sharon Raydor side profile (mc sharon profile)
So, unsurprisingly, I mostly suck when it comes to being a girlfriend. I'm a creature of habit and I like to stay to myself and a schedule, etc. I don't like to go out very much. I was going to go to a thing today, but I didn't.

*sigh*

I just feel tired all the time. Each excursion causes me to have intense exhaustion and I HATE IT.

I've kind of ghosted the guy I was seeing previously. He texts me once a week...to which I don't reply. I just...I don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost, but not in a depressed way. Just...not know where my life is going and not being able to control it. Like when one is in high school and they've taken their SATs, but don't know what to do with it.
eraisme: Jennifer Saunders with glasses and short blonde hair (jenny glasses fez)
Jesus, it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I bought a paid account and have just...left it. LOL. I'm mostly an idiot when it comes to that. So...lots has been going on.

In January, I hurt my back at work. I work in the Membership/Refunds area of Costco. I was doing refunds. Now, they're supposed to send Supervisors down to refunds to clear out the items that have been returned. Well, they kept saying they were getting to it, but never did. Finally, I tripped over a box, as it had become overcrowded with boxes and larger items. I slammed against the counter top. Injuring my spine, ripped L5 disc...if that means anything, but didn't know it yet. I kept going back to work, thinking it was just sore from the fall. Until I woke one morning (nearly a month later) and I, literally, couldn't move without screaming. I've been out of work since. Going to physical therapy and doctor's appointments. Today I had injections. Which...they forgot to sedate me for. They weren't terribly bad though. Just, literally, a pinch and it was all over.

AND

I've been watching my friend's dog for a few days because her mother is dying on the other side of the country, same with her son and fiance. I thought I accidentally thought I lost the key to her house at a party I went to. So, the next day, I went to her house, realizing the key wasn't in my purse. I had to break into her house...very James Bond-y. Luckily, no one was observant enough to call the cops. However, getting into the house, I broke her window sill, have bad bruises on my legs and chest, BUT the dog was fed and cared for. So...I figure it's a plus. I did end up finding the key though. So, it's all good.

All in all, I'm an actual fucking mess...and I'm just slowly trying to own up to it.
eraisme: Laura Roslin sitting on a jail cell floor (Default)
The other day, I went over my brother's girlfriend's house to hang out with him, the first time we've actually spent more than two minutes together in the past 20 years...only because I couldn't find them.

It went so well. I had a photo album, a full piggy bank, and a manila envelope. All the grandkids (there are 7 in total) got the first two. Billy and Tony (my brothers) were the only ones to get the last one. Therefore, I didn't know what was in it.

Billy slowly opened the yellowed tan envelope and peered inside. He removed the contents, an Exxon patch from my grandfather's old uniform tumbling out along with all the birthday and Christmas cards they were never given as a child, but my grandmother kept for this very reason. There were a few pictures that she just forgot/didn't put in the book.

Then there were unopened birthday cards. The cards spanned from when he was about 13 to when he was 20. Opening each slowly, a dollar tumbled out of each, and he read the inscription held within the cover. They were updates on the year prior that she was going to give him "just in case she saw him". She didn't when she was writing those cards.


She will next Saturday though. She thinks I'm coming on my lonesome. However, I'm bringing both brothers with me. I plan to tape it. I plan to keep it for years. I plan to spend more time with them. Plan to get to know and spoil my nephew (1 from my brother Tony). Just...it makes me so happy. I mean, I'm still wickedly depressed, but this is so good.
eraisme: Edwina Monsoon in a pool with a shirt on (abfab eddie save lives)
Look! I did it! I was semi-productive. I installed my GIF Roslin Theme!

Oh how I've missed you, Madam President.

Also, totally had a breakdown at work, like I thought I would. However, it wasn't over what I thought it would be. My brothers' mother (not mine, we share the same father) called me during business hours. Like...what?! First of all, no one in the fam wants anything to do with you because you ruined your sons' lives. Like...totally fucked. One has deep seeded anger issues stemming from her not telling the other brother that the man who she had been dating was not his father. Guys, it's so seriously fucked up. She just said some wild, random shit and ended it with "don't tell them I talked to you". Which I found really fucking weird.

So, I texted my brother (because fuck that bitch) and I laid everything out. There was never a time where he nor my other brother weren't wanted. Whether it be myself or my grandfather (my father dying before I was born that started this whole mess). They were always wanted. There's just...stuff that their mother told them or led them to believe that is such horseshit. Like...they're so fucked up emotionally because of all this. All the lies their mother laid out.

So, my brother (the younger of my two older brothers) and I are going to meet up at his house tomorrow to go through pictures and stuff. We're going to talk things out. It feels really nice to have a brother again. It's been about 25 years since I was with them on some sort of brother/sister level and we're going to try to get back to where we once were.

It's a really weird feeling. A good feeling, but still weird.

It's something I needed right now, put it that way.
eraisme: Sharon Raydor carrying a purse (mc sharon stride)
I've been playing a lot of Watch Dogs 2 lately. It's a beautiful game, socially aware, and incredibly smart with everything it does. Essentially, it's what one wishes Anonymous was really doing. Exposing things that people suspect, and wanting the people to know.

It's what I wish this country was right now.

Now for something completely different.

I've been a bit depressed as of late. Trying my hand at the Tindr game again. I'm good at messaging/texting people, but my social anxiety kicks into high gear when I actually have to go out to meet them. Like...super high gear.

I had a guy who really loved me, we went out once, but texted a lot. Even when I tried to scare him off, he still wanted this. He was younger than me, and while that isn't really an issue, he was virtually unwilling to explore other cultures' food other than his own. He was SO HANDSOME THOUGH AND OHMYGODIAMKICKINGMYSELFSOMETIMES. Srsly though.

If I could secretly post a picture of him...I really fucking would, but I'm not an asshole like that, so I won't.

So, I'm back at the game again. Hopefully the game doesn't play me.



Also, I need to figure out how to put my moods onto here.

sighhhhhhh

Jun. 11th, 2017 10:29 pm
eraisme: Sharon Raydor with her hand on a wall (mc sharon putting up with this)
I have such a desire to write. I want to write so many things about so many things. The problem is that the things I've been writing, are not something I'd want to post. Like, I don't deem them to be NEARLY decent to post.

It's just me writing to get it out of my system.

I don't know. It's just odd. It's a very odd feeling.

Work has been hectic. Mentally...I've been better. Same shit different day.

I need to get out, but then I don't want to go out. It's a very odd feeling. I want to socialize, but then my anxiety kicks in and I get really awful at talking to people on a casual level. I should probably see someone about it, but it's in my usual INFJ way. Which...isn't necessarily a good thing, but it is what it is.

I need help.
eraisme: Laura Roslin sitting on a jail cell floor (Default)
So, this is my first Dream Width entry. All the others are imports from Livejournal. It's a different time and a different place.

I've not been in a very safe place mentally as of late. Things have gone upside down and I'm just trying to hold it together day after day. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I need an honest vacation. I need to be able to relax and sleep. Like...truly sleep. I can't. I can't do that.

I need to stay strong. I need to stay aware.

I'm going to try to keep this as public as I can. Hopefully I won't have to go private or Friends Only.

Dossier

eraisme: Laura Roslin sitting on a jail cell floor (Default)
eraisme

Places of Interest

Inspirational Quotes

"When a woman screams, it doesn’t mean she’s having a meltdown or she's going through menopause, it means she’s fucking pissed off." - Mary McDonnell

"I'm glad I won that Tony so I don't have to work at Taco Bell." - Alice Ripley

"I like to sing songs about my vagina in the shower." - Allison Janney

"I’m covered in glass because the bus just shattered and they threw me off" - Elisabeth Sladen