I Practice Bad Girl Politics

Just over a year ago, I hurt my back. I tore my L5 and S1. It hasn't healed properly. My doctor knows this. It also caused severe nerve damage.

Some days are great. I'm able to bounce around, I'm able to have a good time. I'm able to laugh without pain. I'm able to do my job efficiently.

Some days are not. I'm hardly able to move without pain. I do exorcises that my physiotherapist taught me in an attempt to lessen the pain caused. I have flare ups. They happen all the time. I can't get around it and it makes me feel terrible and I can't ever tell when they're going to happen. Sometimes I'll get a "tingle", but sometimes I don't. I can't explain that. The trauma of it all affecting the physical element of it.

I'm in physical pain. I'm in emotional/mental pain. I can't make either stop.

My roommate has also started drinking again. She hasn't been working since like...January or February. Something like that. Her mother has been giving her money for bills and things of that nature. I fear paying the bills being on time. I fear being evicted from this fucking apartment because she doesn't know how to clean up her messes. Her mother is always there to pick up and clean up her messes. She's never going to learn until she hits rock bottom.

I understand, as a parent, that you want the best for your child. You want to protect them from the world. However, what does one do with the help is the thing hurting them? Double edged sword.

I try to help where I can, but why continue "helping" if my friend doesn't care to help herself?

The stress and anxiety, on top of my own issues, is smothering me. I can't wait to just be by myself in an apartment.

I've been playing a lot of Watch Dogs 2 lately. It's a beautiful game, socially aware, and incredibly smart with everything it does. Essentially, it's what one wishes Anonymous was really doing. Exposing things that people suspect, and wanting the people to know.

It's what I wish this country was right now.

Now for something completely different.

I've been a bit depressed as of late. Trying my hand at the Tindr game again. I'm good at messaging/texting people, but my social anxiety kicks into high gear when I actually have to go out to meet them. Like...super high gear.

I had a guy who really loved me, we went out once, but texted a lot. Even when I tried to scare him off, he still wanted this. He was younger than me, and while that isn't really an issue, he was virtually unwilling to explore other cultures' food other than his own. He was SO HANDSOME THOUGH AND OHMYGODIAMKICKINGMYSELFSOMETIMES. Srsly though.

If I could secretly post a picture of him...I really fucking would, but I'm not an asshole like that, so I won't.

So, I'm back at the game again. Hopefully the game doesn't play me.



Also, I need to figure out how to put my moods onto here.

*sigh*

So...in case you though this can't possibly just continue on the depression train. It will.

I'm not sure if it's attributed to stress or what. I'm not sure at all. Probably. It probably is. For instance, I never had a period this month. How am I supposed to track this thing if I'm not even having it. There's no chance of pregnancy. That's...the thing I want most and the thing that's least likely to happen, but it's been over a month.

Then work just ramps up even more. My performance there is awful and I'm...just not there. THERE. There. Know what I mean? I'm tired ALL of the time. I'm even tired now, but if I went to sleep, then who would write this depressing entry? Like, I can't even write with it. Too depressed to write and when I take pills, too emotionless to write as well. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Know what I mean?

I can't have normal relationships anymore. Not with men. Not with friends. I feel lonely, but I want to be alone. I feel empty, but I'm comfortable with it. I'm going to venture further into the rabbit hole.

Also, I need to work on trying to get my mood icons transferred over. I'll probably have to do it again. Also, my regular icons. I have to do this bitch up if I'm just going to be depressed and at home and in bed all the time.