eraisme | Entries tagged with dating

My..."boyfriend" drove 8 hours to see me from Ohio. Someone I've been messing with for a few years now.

I couldn't stay the night in the hotel he got because of my anxiety.

I had a panic attack because of the prospect of not sleeping in my own bed. Which, I know comes from former experiences that aren't that great. It keeps me from traveling. It keeps me from staying over others' houses. It keeps me from staying with my boyfriend.

I had to cancel a day out with him because of my own mental illness...and I feel terrible.

Absolutely fucking awful.

Something has got to give.

Feeling: depressed
Hearing: The Killers - Everything Will Be Alright

So, unsurprisingly, I mostly suck when it comes to being a girlfriend. I'm a creature of habit and I like to stay to myself and a schedule, etc. I don't like to go out very much. I was going to go to a thing today, but I didn't.

*sigh*

I just feel tired all the time. Each excursion causes me to have intense exhaustion and I HATE IT.

I've kind of ghosted the guy I was seeing previously. He texts me once a week...to which I don't reply. I just...I don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost, but not in a depressed way. Just...not know where my life is going and not being able to control it. Like when one is in high school and they've taken their SATs, but don't know what to do with it.

Feeling: guilty

So, BF invited me over to 420 Blaze It and...we had sex. I'm not really sure if it was my subconscious intention with going over there in the first place, but it happened. I'm...surprised with myself.

I also really miss him. Far more than I thought I did. We're...talking about moving in with one another.

He worships the ground I walk on and he's super adorable and handsome, all rolled in to one. I'm...incredibly lucky.

So, I've been okay as of late. I've been a terribly, neglectful girlfriend to an incredibly handsome young man. Younger than me. Like...crazy good looking. No one should be that good looking and be with me. As stupid as it sounds, it makes me oddly anxious. Like, maybe, this is too good to be true. Younger, handsome, hella smart. Like...so many things. I don't get it. I find him incredibly attractive and yet, I haven't slept with him yet. We've gone out 4 months now and kept in close contact via the phone and whatnot when he went to India for a little bit to see family. I can't pull myself to sleep with him though. I don't know what it is. We don't have much in common and he's completely different from any other guy I've ever dated...I don't know.

In other...news? Whatever.

I've noticed there's certain weird things I do when I'm about to write or in the process of writing.
1) Put on some weird instrumental focus music on Spotify to listen to via headphones or just in the whole fucking space. Matters what time it is, really, when I start to write.
2) Open a new Google Doc, or existing one. Whatever.
3) If it's a new document, set the document to single space at 9 point size. The automatic font is Ariel...that's totally fine.
4) Make sure flashbacks are in past tense and in italics. It's how I break up scenes.
5) Have at least 2 or three chapters written before one is posted. If a story is taking me a long time, I'll post the chapters I have written. However, I almost never do that. They'll most likely just stay in my Drive until I have a few.

I never really noticed I did these until I realized it and my roommate commented on it, saying that it was weird. However, she said everyone has their own little quirks. She can't write with pants on. She can't really do much without pants on though.

~~Really need to find another photo hosting site.~~ (Did it) Also, I really need to write to this journal more often. It's quite relaxing.

Feeling: productive

I've been playing a lot of Watch Dogs 2 lately. It's a beautiful game, socially aware, and incredibly smart with everything it does. Essentially, it's what one wishes Anonymous was really doing. Exposing things that people suspect, and wanting the people to know.

It's what I wish this country was right now.

Now for something completely different.

I've been a bit depressed as of late. Trying my hand at the Tindr game again. I'm good at messaging/texting people, but my social anxiety kicks into high gear when I actually have to go out to meet them. Like...super high gear.

I had a guy who really loved me, we went out once, but texted a lot. Even when I tried to scare him off, he still wanted this. He was younger than me, and while that isn't really an issue, he was virtually unwilling to explore other cultures' food other than his own. He was SO HANDSOME THOUGH AND OHMYGODIAMKICKINGMYSELFSOMETIMES. Srsly though.

If I could secretly post a picture of him...I really fucking would, but I'm not an asshole like that, so I won't.

So, I'm back at the game again. Hopefully the game doesn't play me.

Also, I need to figure out how to put my moods onto here.

Feeling: blah

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