eraisme | Entries tagged with anxiety

My..."boyfriend" drove 8 hours to see me from Ohio. Someone I've been messing with for a few years now.

I couldn't stay the night in the hotel he got because of my anxiety.

I had a panic attack because of the prospect of not sleeping in my own bed. Which, I know comes from former experiences that aren't that great. It keeps me from traveling. It keeps me from staying over others' houses. It keeps me from staying with my boyfriend.

I had to cancel a day out with him because of my own mental illness...and I feel terrible.

Absolutely fucking awful.

Something has got to give.

Feeling: depressed
Hearing: The Killers - Everything Will Be Alright

I have so much to do. They're coming to "spray" for "pests" on the 30th and...this place is a goddamn mess. Like...a nauseating mess. I hate it. I need to clean my room and help with the other rooms and I feel like I don't have nearly enough time or energy for any of it. Hopefully my roommate does the living/dining/kitchen. I told her I would help with the kids' room and her room if she'll help with mine. I'm a mastah at clothes. That's a joke. I'm a master of nothing.

GAHHHHH. This suuuuuucks.

It needs to be done. The fact that it got as bad as it did (87% at the hands of my roommate) makes me sick. Just...all of it makes me sick. That's why I just come to my room and stay to myself. I edit and I relax. I write and I chill. It's my little domain. My little sanctuary.

I'm so nervous that we'll be evicted for all this. My anxiety is in overdrive.

I need to upload more of my icons.

Feeling: anxious
Hearing: Billy Joel - Movin' Out

I just...I've been in bed crying for no real reason. The depression has gotten worse...which really isn't any surprise of a bipolar.

There are thoughts. I'm too scared to actually act on them, but they're there.

I love to be alone, but I don't like the feeling of being lonely. That probably sounds crazy, but they're two different things. I don't like to be around other people sometimes. I don't like big crowds, or small crowds even.

I don't want to go to my job. A job that, any other time, I'm in love with. It isn't that I don't want to see the other people, that I think of like family, I just...can't right now.

I just can't right now.

I've taken off the last 2 days, tomorrow being Sunday which means time and a half, and I'm really afraid I'm going to have a melt down. I'm really afraid I'm going to freak out on someone or just in general. All because I can't control myself right now. I can't control my emotions or my temperament or anything. I can't control it. I can't control the thoughts or the feelings.

I feel like I'm losing myself.

Usually when I'm feeling mentally/emotionally like shit, I can write my ass off...and nothing. It's been a numbing spell. A numbing spell of just existing, which sucks because it's so fucking pointless.

I don't know what to do.

I'm hoping that by writing this down, it will help me feel better about it. Help me feel...something. Anything. Make the thoughts calm themselves. Something.

Something.

Side Note: I really need my Roslin moods over here.

Feeling: depressed

I Practice Bad Girl Politics

At the Playground

Entries tagged with anxiety

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