I Practice Bad Girl Politics

I just realized when my last post was from.

From when I lied in an attempt to alter my own memories.

That isn't what happened...

...and I'm trying to heal from what actually did.

I sometimes get it into my head that I want to write a thing and make a very small, very independent type movie of it so I can act in it myself and film it myself. All about the ups and downs of having bipolar disorder with hallucinations in this day and age and being an introvert and a few other things all rolled into one. My account would be different from others because it would be about me and not looking into what occurs with other. I wouldn’t need to pay other actors because that isn’t what it would be. Though, I do get ideas in my head for very short bursts with actors that inspire me. They wouldn’t add much to the plot except to fill in a voice in my head or two. I can see about paying them. It wouldn’t all be depressive because I’m also an idiot that has weird shit happen to them.



Then I worry it will just end up being like The Room and all those thoughts diminish very quickly.

So, unsurprisingly, I mostly suck when it comes to being a girlfriend. I'm a creature of habit and I like to stay to myself and a schedule, etc. I don't like to go out very much. I was going to go to a thing today, but I didn't.

*sigh*

I just feel tired all the time. Each excursion causes me to have intense exhaustion and I HATE IT.

I've kind of ghosted the guy I was seeing previously. He texts me once a week...to which I don't reply. I just...I don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost, but not in a depressed way. Just...not know where my life is going and not being able to control it. Like when one is in high school and they've taken their SATs, but don't know what to do with it.

My therapist suggest to me that I write in my journal more often. About me, about work, about life...whatever the fuck is on my mind. I'm inclined to agree with her. I should have been consistent with this. I'm never consistent with anything though.

Found out that my little cousin attempted suicide last night.

I've been there before, quite recently actually. I feel like there should be a way for me to help him. I feel like there's something I can do for him or that his parents won't know how to properly handle the situation because they're about appearances and not about actual fucking care and I know I'm acting ridiculous about it. It's the truth though. I fear for him and I hate that he may have to go down that path alone or with people who don't care.

Depression, mental illness, it's all hereditary. All of it. I thought that I got it more from my father than my mother because of feelings and emotions I discovered with my brother (who I hadn't spoken to for 25 years prior). I knew there was something on my mother's side because, literally, everyone in the family is on something for depression. IDK. I guess I get it honestly from both sides.

My poor cousin though. He's only 20. I have things I need to figure out.

Jesus, it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I bought a paid account and have just...left it. LOL. I'm mostly an idiot when it comes to that. So...lots has been going on.

In January, I hurt my back at work. I work in the Membership/Refunds area of Costco. I was doing refunds. Now, they're supposed to send Supervisors down to refunds to clear out the items that have been returned. Well, they kept saying they were getting to it, but never did. Finally, I tripped over a box, as it had become overcrowded with boxes and larger items. I slammed against the counter top. Injuring my spine, ripped L5 disc...if that means anything, but didn't know it yet. I kept going back to work, thinking it was just sore from the fall. Until I woke one morning (nearly a month later) and I, literally, couldn't move without screaming. I've been out of work since. Going to physical therapy and doctor's appointments. Today I had injections. Which...they forgot to sedate me for. They weren't terribly bad though. Just, literally, a pinch and it was all over.

AND

I've been watching my friend's dog for a few days because her mother is dying on the other side of the country, same with her son and fiance. I thought I accidentally thought I lost the key to her house at a party I went to. So, the next day, I went to her house, realizing the key wasn't in my purse. I had to break into her house...very James Bond-y. Luckily, no one was observant enough to call the cops. However, getting into the house, I broke her window sill, have bad bruises on my legs and chest, BUT the dog was fed and cared for. So...I figure it's a plus. I did end up finding the key though. So, it's all good.

All in all, I'm an actual fucking mess...and I'm just slowly trying to own up to it.

So, I brought Minor Incidents back and it has over 100 views 5 days out, which is better than I expected it to have. I'm pretty happy with that so far. I'm going to keep going with it. New episode gets filmed tomorrow and editing overnight/next day. I'm going to try to stay on topic this time. I should be able to since I've figured out what seems to work best. Each time they fuck up my schedule, the bigger of a headache I get. It's driving me insane.



The title says allergies. So much allergies. Such headache. Much stuffy nose. GAHHHH.

I've been having a hard time breathing because of it. Hard time sleeping because of the breathing. I, honestly, can't win. It's also been causing me to cough my brains out. I'm not even sure I have lungs anymore. Like...constant everything.

It's been a few years since I wrote constantly. I used to churn stories out left and right. Some being good, others being shit. I didn't care. I just needed to write in order to get the thoughts out.

That's what I do here most times.

I don't necessarily need a reason or anything to want to write. I just need the inspiration. I need the thoughts running through my head to not let me sleep until they're composed onto this writing surface. Or any writing surface. Also, I just spelled surface wrong as I was writing this. Twice.

So, this page now has a new layout, some new icons, the theme has been fixed. It's all good to go and I'm insanely happy with it. I have so many ideas that are going to take place with this journal. I need to get back to journal more of my thoughts and emotions, regardless of how pointless they may be.

Also, there's this.

So, my brother, nephew, and I went to visit my grandmother on Saturday. It's been 21 years since she's seen him and she's obviously never met my nephew. She was so overwhelmed...it was adorable. She wouldn't stop crying or anything. She ordered 32 pieces of chicken for 6 people (including 2 boys that are only 13) as well as 2 quarts of potato salad for 6 people. I don't think she knows how much people eat. Luckily I was able to bring it home. lol.

My nephew and I also got a chance to bond and talk about gaming and YouTube. We watch a lot of the same people. We play a lot of the same games. It was awesome. His birthday is also two days before mine. Which is adorable. I can't wait to buy him stuff.

Oh, I'm also 29 now. So. Yeah.

I'm feeling a lot better mentally. I need to do some patching with my other brother because he wanted to be a jerk (the brother who wanted to go this Saturday as a whole). I think I'll get the better of him though. We'll work it out.

In completely other news, Photobucket is holding people's pictures ransom. Literally. That's why you see the tiny pictures that aren't actually my mood settings. Like...now I have to re-upload and re-code. It pisses me off as well as a lot of other people who are having the same issue with Photobucket. People are not happy. Srsly not happy.

If anyone has any suggestions to another site where I can host my very tiny pictures and am able to quickly and efficiently access them, please let me know. I don't see any picture hosting options here on DW as I did with LJ, but maybe I'm missing something (I'm probably missing something).

Look! I did it! I was semi-productive. I installed my GIF Roslin Theme!

Oh how I've missed you, Madam President.

Also, totally had a breakdown at work, like I thought I would. However, it wasn't over what I thought it would be. My brothers' mother (not mine, we share the same father) called me during business hours. Like...what?! First of all, no one in the fam wants anything to do with you because you ruined your sons' lives. Like...totally fucked. One has deep seeded anger issues stemming from her not telling the other brother that the man who she had been dating was not his father. Guys, it's so seriously fucked up. She just said some wild, random shit and ended it with "don't tell them I talked to you". Which I found really fucking weird.

So, I texted my brother (because fuck that bitch) and I laid everything out. There was never a time where he nor my other brother weren't wanted. Whether it be myself or my grandfather (my father dying before I was born that started this whole mess). They were always wanted. There's just...stuff that their mother told them or led them to believe that is such horseshit. Like...they're so fucked up emotionally because of all this. All the lies their mother laid out.

So, my brother (the younger of my two older brothers) and I are going to meet up at his house tomorrow to go through pictures and stuff. We're going to talk things out. It feels really nice to have a brother again. It's been about 25 years since I was with them on some sort of brother/sister level and we're going to try to get back to where we once were.

It's a really weird feeling. A good feeling, but still weird.

It's something I needed right now, put it that way.

I was so excited when I got my desk. It was beautiful glass, metal, and wood construction. Pull out, long keyboard tray under a glass top. It was perfect and beautiful.

However.

It has been nothing but trouble. The keyboard part has metal sliders on either side which connect to the top via more metal. The sliders do not function properly and the keyboard tray CONSTANTLY breaks and falls. I'm worried it's going to fall on one of the girls, which it has done already, and cause serious injury. Essentially, this is a faulty product. I've contacted the company on multiple occasions and they've been nothing but gracious. Thankfully. However, how many times do I have to contact you guys (and I know I couldn't possibly be the only one) before this is recalled. It has the same issue EVERY time.

*sigh* I just don't know what to do anymore.